Goodbye 2015

Now that 2015 ended, I would like to write one post about my entire year so far.
Let's just say, this year hasn't been fairly well for me. The start of this year, I started it with a very special guy.

This guy, was someone who changed me in every aspect. I was very immature (or maybe still am) and very negative towards my life until I met him. He always made me feel better at the end of the day with compliments and remind me to think the positive side in life. My bad temper and stubborn attitude, he tolerated it and treated me well. I was very grateful to have him, I felt very blessed. I always thought to myself, wouldn't it be great to have him by my side all the time? From last year's Christmas, to the start of 2015, to Chinese new year and even, my first Valentine's day, it was all good spending it with him.

But I guess, all good comes to an end.
We ended at the beginning of March. 

I. was. Heartbroken.

I fell to my lowest, in a million ways, in a way no one could ever imagined. Losing him was like losing half of my heart. I gave him all of me, every part of me, in loving him. Putting in all of my effort, loving him, accepting his flaws, accepting his attitude and the way he love.

Yes, everyone loves differently. But not everyone is going to be okay with your way of loving.


And the reason for breaking up was not because we don't love each other anymore, the reason for this breakup, up till today, I still couldn't give you a valid one because there is a lot reasons that is being made up alongside during our breakup.

"I opted for overseas school trip that will take up 6 months, I'm afraid you won't be able to handle it"
"Your love for me was too huge, I find it too difficult to handle"
"I cannot love someone who likes the nightlife so much"
(puts tattoo) and he said, "I guess that's why we are not meant to be"
"I don't want to be always worrying about you"
"I became an introvert, I am so used to being alone"
"I have no idea what I want between you and me"
"Since you crave for other guys attention so much, then just go and leave me alone"
"You're a shitty person for waking me up"
"Ya la ya la, faster jump down"
"Do you think doing this will hurt me? NO"
"Just do whatever you want, I don't care"

That's the few hurtful sentences that until now, still etched on my heart, deeply. The one that I will always remember is him giving me empty words.

My first big 2 birthday, I spend it crying. I didn't get to blow out any birthday candle this year and instead got lectured for working till late. I didn't get anything from him because he said "He don't want to give me false hopes" How is giving a gift, enabling me to think that we might have a chance my dear? Didn't you promise to give me a card...? Where is it...."

You might have this thought - "why are you still loving a guy like him Dernise? Why torture yourself?"

When you truly love someone, you accept everything of him. One day you'll be waking up and suddenly realizing when you genuinely love someone, you would do anything, everything to keep him in your life. I love him, I really do. That's what I did, even when we broke up, I still held that small faith in thinking - "everything will eventually work out, I suffer awhile, it's okay, we will make our way back to each other"

But no, I was wrong.

Nonetheless,I had my faults too. I hated myself and I hated him, I disrespected him. I made myself so low, degrading myself and made a fool out of myself. I drank, I went clubbing, I stayed up late and get myself into health problems. I became more pessimist than I ever was before I met him and every aspect of life was just plain nothing to me. I couldn't pick myself up, I cried everyday - Home, School, Work, Intern, Bus journey to school, everywhere. I felt that life was just meaningless at that point of time.

All these dragged for almost a year, we kept in contact still and met up frequent even when we weren't sure of what we wanted. But, it's time to stop. I spend my whole entire year in pain, crying over someone who does not even care. I spend my days thinking about him, missing him and hoping that one day, he would wake up and put in effort in getting me back. But all of these were wishful thinking. All these was just my part of being silly and wishing for the impossible.

The beginning of 2016, I will start to make myself better. There's no point loving someone who does not love you anymore, there's no point keeping feelings for someone who treated you badly and took you for granted. As I'm typing this, my heart is aching. I admit, I still love him but like what people say,

"If you're not meant to be, no matter how badly you want it to work, it wont. No point forcing something to work."

But, this isn't to portray him as a bad person. He did good too, I guess. I remembered failing my driving test, he came over to comfort me and tell me not to give up. When I was dead drunk and helpless(alot of times), He stayed by my side until I was okay. When I got hospitalized last night for passing out, he took a cab down and accompanied me. The good that he did during the break up period, I wouldn't say it's uncountable but it's enough for me to have the urge to overwrite all the bad stuff he did. However, what's the point? Why remember the good in him? If I want to move on, I have to always be reminded of the bad stuff he did and how badly I suffered because of him.

So from today onwards, I will wrap my feelings up, move on and start to pick myself up again. I know people who is reading this might think all this are just empty words, but I will make my stand and show myself and to you guys that I am strong enough to walk away from him and love myself. This is a battle I'm facing and only I can deal with it myself.

Enough is enough Dernise. Stop loving someone who mistreated you. Let bygones be bygones. Do not bring unhappiness over in your new year.

To r, I guess this is it. I done my part loving you and making you feel special. You'll always be a part of me and a huge part of my memory. Thank you for your constant care and concern, thank you for being my friend, my lover, my boyfriend, my ex boyfriend. My everything. I will try my very best to move on because I'm sure you want to move on too. I don't know how long I need. You affected me too much, I need a long recovery time I guess. Still, I hope from now on, you'll be happy. Please be happy and don't forget the promises you made. Please don't get into fights and hurt yourself. 


Moving on, aside from that, I met a few good people and got close to a few in 2015 too.

I met Amos(the guy on the left), who is an extremely nice guy. He is someone who was always there for me when I needed company, he is someone who makes an effort to make me happy and cheer me up. I am hard to please but even that didn't chase him away. He is there for me at my lowest, there for me when I wanted to end my life and stopped me, there for me when I needed ice cream, there for me to satisfy my Korean food cravings. He is a good person and he deserves more than this post. I just wanna let you know how grateful I am to have you always here for me and to have you as my good/ close friend, I'm extremely thankful. I couldn't ask for more, please stay happy and optimistic!

Aloysius (the guy on the right), thank you for everything that you've done for me. Meeting you was a blessing. You were realistic and always took care of me. You are literally the nicest nicest human being I've ever met. TBH I don't deserve you being so good to me. There are times when I'm really touched by your actions but I guess my words aren't enough to thank you. Thank you for being there for me, too. Let's keep in contact and hope you find the love of your life soon!







Also, I met Janice, Dawn and Clara. I'm extremely grateful too to have you in my life. They are literally the best realest people I can ever asked for. Being there for me too, when I'm at my worst and all of us has seen each other when we looked super super unglam. I still cannot believe we can be so close. I love every single one of you even though we always insult each other, we'll have each other backs. I know all of our personalities are different and sometimes we fought, but I hope none of that will bring us down. Thank you girls, I love you. 

Of course, June. Thank you for accompanying me to eat good food and introducing me to new places and cosmetics brand that I had never thought I would know. You're the only one who called me anxiously when I wanted to end my life so bad and talk things out to me. If it wasn't you, I wouldn't be here typing all these for you. If it wasn't you, I could be cremated already. If it wasn't you, I wouldn't be able to do the things I wanted to. You gave me confidence and I'm extremely grateful. Please do not ever leave my life, I'm always keeping you near.

And you, Justina. Thank you for being my listening ear whenever I'm feeling down, especially these few days. It had been terrible for me and I couldn't thank you enough for being there for me, calming me down and coming over to find me because I couldn't leave the house. I hope you know that I will always be here for you, always be here to back you up. Please don't ever hurt yourself because you're not only hurting yourself, you're hurting us too if you ever hurt yourself. Don't regret things that you wanted to do and life isn't all about compromising. Your life, your choice, your happiness. Never let anyone pull you down.

There's plenty of people I wanna thank, Christina, Chuan Hao, Cindy, Huiyi, Amanda, Vionna, Aloysius and tons of people whose there for me when I'm at my lowest. Thank you for taking out your time to make me feel better and giving me plenty of advice. I really appreciate you guys doing all this for me. I'm sorry if I ever miss out anyone but note that you all mean alot to me.

Thank you bae. You're really someone precious to me. Do you know that when we quarreled yesterday, I was crying badly. I hate arguements like that. It really broke me. I really am sorry nowadays for making you so stressed out. Nowadays it has been bad for me because I'm trying my best to move on and I missed him alot even after finding out all the bad things that he did. Still, you constantly showered me with care and I am very thankful to have you in my life. I really am. Please be happy and know that I will always be here for you okay? You'll forever be my priority, I promise. I love you vio hehe.

Today marks the start of 2016 and a new me. No more negativity, no more wishful thinking. I will be back on my feet again and rise to higher grounds.

I will forgive, but I will never forget. Everyone came in to my life and taught me a memorable lesson. 

Goodbye 2015, please don't ever repeat again.