Hello and goodbye.

Its been so long since I came back here. Just scrolled through all the previous post and realized how much I'd grown over the past few years. I'm glad I stepped out of the negativity life and living my life to the fullest now. I'm happily married, with my bike license and having a full-time job. Time flies, don't you think so? In a blink of an eye, I'm now 23. Long gone the naive 18 years old me living in agony waiting for a miracle to happen. I did not get my desired job, so what? I am happy. I no longer live a life where I had to please the people around me, I no longer give a shit to people who don't put in an effort. I cherish the people who cherish me too, and that's the priority right now. 

Nobody let me down. 

I let myself down. 

To you, my love.

First of all, happy three months to us. 

Heaven.

Its been long since I'm back blogging. Finally I have some time alone, so I guess its time to update here for a bit. Recently I have been cutting a lot of people out of my life, those who didn't make an effort to stay or make an effort to meet me no matter how many times I asked them out. I realised I don't need all these people after all. I guess I've reached the point where my social circle cut down to less than 20, or not even more than 15.

Many things happened recently till I don't really know where to start. If you're wondering whats wrong with me that led me here, nothing's wrong. I'm just pretty busy and occupied with work and my boyfriend.

So if you haven't seen, we went for our first overseas trip together to Malaysia and here's the travel log I've done. Please watch, I put in alot of effort in making the video HAHA.

Pretty happy nowadays, just cannot wait for better days to come! Can't wait to put braces!

Sense.

You know there will always be a time where reality hits you, where you just feel you aren't good enough for anything or for anyone. When you saw better looking women out there and their appearances just hit you and brings your esteem to the bottom. I hate feeling this way. I know I should be contented with myself and the people around me but what can I do when I just feel good about my own body? I am trying and trying but I seriously don't know what to do at this point, its like all that I had been doing isn't going anyway and this really upsets me.

People just don't understand the whole situation until something bad happens. 

People only start to care when you are halfway out of working things out. 

People only start to question when your eyes are overwhelmed with tears.

People only start to care when it is too late. 

I am a human being. I am not confident of myself yet. I am still working my way towards contentment. I have feelings too, I feel changes and when something is not right I will try my best to correct it even if it means me letting go of something, even if it means I have to stop doing something, even if it means it will upset me, for a long period. 

I am a human, not a robot, not a mind reader. I won't know things if you do not tell me, I am not a perfectionist, I am not perfect, I made mistakes and I fall. This is who I am, I am flawed and I have imperfections all around.But I am trying, I am trying my best to give you what you deserve.

I know truth hurts, but it's the only way we can learn and work towards our success, right? I won't give up easily. I won't. 

21 years old.

After being so occupied with my daily life , I'm able to sit down in front of my old lousy laptop to finally blog about my birthday, at 4:11AM when I'm supposed to be sleeping. First thing first, I wanna thank every single one of you who made it to my birthday party despite the distance, secondly thank you for entertaining within your little groups because I honestly am trying my best to go to different groups to not make you guys feel so awkward. Sorry if the food / cake wasn't satisfying ☹It's already May, time passed really really fast. My god, time....please slow down, I don't even have time to really relax and process what's exactly going on in my life. Within these five months, I've so many people walking into and out of my life and I myself caused unnecessary drama for myself and for a period of time I was completely losing it, well, whatever happened has happened, I made mistakes but I've learnt my mistake, beside that, I'm terribly sorry for the people I've let down / go along the way, things just don't seemed to go well and this whole thing is my fault, not yours. 


Feelings fade, people change, really apologetic for those that I've hurt. 

To my special boy, thank you for stepping into my hectic life and accepting me for who I am. I am sorry that you have to learn to adapt to my way of life, I am sorry that I screwed up, I am sorry for making you feel so stressed, I am sorry that you find it tough to love me. I've changed and I am not someone who loves easily, it takes a lot for me to fall and stay in love with someone, and surprisingly it's you who caught me off guard. Promises aren't lasting but you have my word when I say I'm going to make us work, I won't give up easily and I promised to give my 100% to you because that is what you are doing. Despite you having your army duties, you wouldn't spare a second thought taking leave just for me, I admit everything between the both of us is like a bullet train, all progressing too fast but like what you said, 有时爱情要冲动. HAHA, thank you for being here for me throughout my major milestones, I never would have thought I would be spending them with you, really.

12th May - My graduation

13th May - My brother's birthday 

14th May - My 21st birthday

 

This is just the beginning, there will definitely be more to come, we'll get through all of it, be it happiness or quarrels or whatever, as long as we are together. I love you, I really do. 

Specially thanks to my 4 wenyi girls, June, Amos, Aloy, Sandy and gzb for being here for me too, what would I do without you, really. I'm really thankful our paths crossed and I really wouldn't want to do anything to lose the bond I have with everyone of you, 

Lastly, I would like to thank every single one of you who attended my birthday party and to those who wished me too, I really appreciated it, thank you (*＾▽＾)／

Maybe.

Maybe I just need time alone, maybe I just need to find the real me back, the me who can love people the way I want to be love, the me who can treasure everyone who walk into my life and actually stayed. I have been so clueless nowadays and I am terribly sorry for the people who I inevitably pushed away along the way. I need time, I need time to think about what am I actually doing, time to mend all the mistakes that I've made. 
This is my busiest week and also, my happiest week, alot of things gonna happen this week, I cant wait! Now, time for me to head to sleep so I can attend my brother's graduation tomorrow. 
Cannot believe 3 years in Ngee Ann actually passed by like that, I cannot believe it. 

Going and not going to.

Not going to waste my time and effort on something that is already broken. 

Not going to give a fuck to anything that's hindering my happiness.

Not going to let anyone bring me down.

Not going to trust anyone because trusting people just got me into deep shit.

Not going to break down and cry in front of people anymore.

Not going to let anyone hurt me emotionally.

Not going to let anyone know my weakness.

Not going to forgive people easily anymore.

Not going to care about anything.

Not going to reply people who make use of you for their own benefits.

Not going to entertain people who is of no relation to me. 

Not going to get involve in anything that is not related to me.
Not going to tell anyone anything much anymore.
Not going to show my emotions out.
Not going to say anything from now on.

Going to reflect on myself 
Going to reflect on my actions
Going to find myself back

Going to be happy and cheerful

Going to lose weight

Going to go to the gym and work on my body

Going to make full use of my time

Going to just live with the "one step at a time" mindset

Going to be on my best self.
Going to leave this fked up place
Going to leave for good.

I'm tired of this place.

Hello! Just got back from Bali last night, super super lazy to do anything but I have to move my butt and prepare for work :< 

Shall post all the amazing shots I took in Bali soon. Heart's feeling a little heavy and I don't know why. I just hope everything is as smooth sailing, I do not really want to go back to being upset anymore. Please God help me in this, help me remove negative people away from my life. It took me a lot to get rid of this darkness, I don't want to fall back into it.

On the journey to one of the beaches, this song pop up, I doubt you remember it but I still do, the song that brought us together. 

I gave wrong people the right pieces of me.

Before I let all of this thoughts sink in and kill me emotionally, I shall just rant everything here. Its been so long since I felt like this, deep in my thoughts with a heavy heart. I guess it has come to a point whereby we shouldn't even have any point of contact, don't you think so? We weren't together officially for a long time but the on and off for that whole year was enough to set things straight. I was there for you through your high and lows but all I got from you was nothing but lies and hurt. I was there when you were in trouble with the police, I was there to calm you down when you were angry and wanted to resort to violence to strangers who pushed you, I was there when no one else were, I was there for your birthday, I was there when you were alone. I was there through almost everything with you. But where were you? Where were you when I needed you the most? Where were you on my birthday? Where were you when I was struggling for my exams? Where were you when I needed a listening ear? 

All that I had been, all that I've sacrificed was not enough to make you stay. To say the truth, I would love to be back in your arms again, but what if history repeats? What if you walk out of my life once again? What will I ever do if all this repeats? Things will never be the same you should know it yourself. I know no one is sure what is going to happen, so why not end it when we are still in control?

I am completely different now, I have bigger priorities and I won't think twice to cut anyone off. I cannot love anyone properly anymore, and I'm really sorry for those whom I let go along the way. I keep a lot of things to myself now and all I want is to focus on my career and have fun. You want to fuck around and hurt people, then leave me out of it. I had enough, I am done and I am gone. Being 21 do not really mean much but it is enough to wake me up and focus on greater things. Maybe when things are clearer and when you really know who and what you want, then perhaps we can be friends. But for now, I don't want to have anything to do with you. 

Take care.

Once or twice

Been super busy lately and I was working literally from Monday to Friday. I managed to meet new friends along the way and was asked these few questions a lot of times.

"Which Uni are you going? Are you going to further study? What are you going to do?"

To be honest, for now, I don't have any plans to carry on studying. I want to focus on my career, which is why I ended stuff with wsc. If it was just studies, I wouldn't end anything with anyone. Probably would be in his arms now, but no... My aim still stays and my ambition is still there. 

Even if I do further study, it won't be in Singapore. I know Singapore is safe and all but my dreams still stays. Without a plan, all of this is just wishful thinking.

I need to get my shit together.

My throat is back hurting once again, probably because I went back to drinking a  few nights ago. super unhealthy and I'm super 不听话 :( 

Down with flu and today was the second day, I swallowed like 7 pills for my throat and the flu.  My immune system needs to buck up. Just today I dreamt of being admitted to the hospital once again. *Cries*

 Dream also can dream until admitted to the A&E.......

seriously diu....but yay found a new mash up song

ps, feel a little upset because one of my friend is unwell and might not be able to go Bali with us :( sigh

What an experience.

Yesterday was probably one of the best few days of the year. So there was this airline company who had their cabin crew opening. I have always wanted to give it a try so I went for it. I downloaded the form last week and yesterday was the interview day. I didn't expect myself to go that far but of course, like the rest of the people who went, I was hopeful and deep down I hoped that I will be able to get through.

I only arrived around 11:30am because I couldn't find the location of the office, I was placed in group 7. I guess every group had 10 hopefuls. So there are actually 60 people who went for the interview before me. At the waiting room, before we went in to another room for interview, we went for the first test round. The height limit. 

I thought I didn't pass the first round because of my height. I struggled to reach the line and kind of feel disheartened because the rest could reach the line easily and I barely made it. 

BUT STILL, I MADE IT. 

Then we went to another conference room and that is when the real shit begins. So we were all asked for self introduction and why we wanted to be a cabin crew. I was the first few so I had to be quick minded and think of what I could say to secure my position. When it was my turn I just kept smiling and said what I wanted to say. The rest of the interview was pretty good and they really said inspiring things too. I was pretty impressed but I feel like it was scripted, but they really did well. After the introductory round, we were all told to wait outside to see who made it through to round 2. 

Guess what?
 I WAS THE ONLY ONE SELECTED OUT OF THE 10 CANDIDATES. 

I WAS SO AMAZED AND STOKED. Literally wanted to jump for joy when my name was the only that is called.

After that the staff took me for uniform try out and skin check and I passed. Then there was another round of interview which was so intense. It was a 1 - 1 interview and thankfully, I passed it too!

Filled up some form after that and then there comes the final interview at 3pm. 

12 candidates was chosen out of the 90 candidates and this final interview was with the HR so it was considered quite serious as while we were waiting for them to arrive, there was complete silence, literally no one spoke a word to each other. Even our breathing could be heard can you imagine how serious it is. 

When the interview started, everything turn out to be better than I thought. It was not as serious as I presume it is to get to know us better and see who actually made it through. 

Now we're just gonna wait for the email to come. To be honest this is one of the most meaningful experience I will never forget, even if I don't get in in the end. At least I tried, right?

When I look back, I won't regret taking this chance. 

Someone said I am ambiguous but what's life without taking chances right?

I washed away little bits of you.

Sorry might not be an appropriate word for me to use right now but I truly am. Let's not waste each other time and be appreciative of what we have right now. I may not always be there for you like before but if you ever need me I'll be there. Yes all of these happened within a short period of time and it's very difficult for you to handle but short pain is better than long pain. Times with you has been great and perfect just like a dream coming true but as time past and as we spend more time together I realize what I have for you wasn't strong enough for all this. And no you didn't do anything wrong, even if you were, it was all unintentional and I don't blame you. But know that no one else is involve in this. You were perfect and like a dream come true when I found out how you felt towards me, sadly dreams don't really happen and last in my case. You'll be fine, just like how you were before you met me. Take care. I have bigger priorities and dreams now, I don't want to put you through it too. 
Been long since I been to zouk and yay, finally able to party last night. Kinda lose my cool awhile because I was the only sober (cant drink cause operation) and I met with a lot of restrictions. But they care for me thats why so I understand. Want to thank the people last night for tolerating me too :( Oh but I didn't know being a nanny in zouk was horrendous until last night, cannot imagine how my friends took care of me, no wonder I end up being hospitalized last yeat(damn wasted) 

Overall I had fun though, with my llaogirls and june hehe. Can hear June's laughter here HAHAHA

Clear minded

As time pass by, I'm starting to question my own feelings. 
Do I really like someone? Or I like the feeling of having someone? 
Do I really need someone? Or I like the feeling of needing someone?
Do I really want someone? Or I like the feeling of wanting someone?

As you read my previous post on my surgery, I certainly see a lot more things now, with a clearer mindset. These few days set my mind back on my dream, back on my ambition, back to the days where all I want was to leave this place. But whatever for?

Many of you asked, why leave Singapore? It's a nice place to be in. 
Yes it might be safe, yes it might be full of activities but no, this isn't a place where I want to be, this isn't a place where I want to grow old in. I have plenty of personal reasons regarding this and because it's personal, I don't tend to share it even if people ask. (plz don't prob anymore) 
Many of you have dreams and some might even achieved it but I have mine too and I want to pursue it no matter what. I don't want to work my whole life just to 'survive', 
I want to do amazing things that will leave me smiling at my wonderful memories. 

Grace under pressure

Finally back here, sorry it took awhile. A lot of things happened recently I just cannot find the time to blog about it, but here I am. So last week Tuesday, my throat, where it was operated on, bled once again. Its in a huge quantity that I have no choice but to head back to the hospital. I thought it was no big deal and that the bleeding will subside in awhile but I was wrong, my surgeon put me back on the operating theater as my throat was actively bleeding and because it's considered as 'post-tonsillectomy bleed', which is a rare case and only happens to 5% of the patients who done that operation. The way my surgeon tried to stop my bleeding before the operation was damn painful - he stuffed the gauze directly into the bleeding area and pressed against it. So if you read about it, tonsillectomy operation happens at the back of the mouth, near the opening of my throat. Can you imagine where the gauze actually is? 

I literally broke down halfway when the doctor was attempting to put the gauze back. It's really painful and I was all alone dealing with all this, thankfully the nurse was there and she comforted me. What's worse, because it was actively bleeding, the blood form a jelly clot that is like 2 diameter size of a 50 cent coin, almost blocked my breathing air passage way.

When the doctor removed the clot from my throat I swear the nurse was shock cause she froze for awhile. But ya it was extremely uncomfortable ☹  The reason why there was this huge blood clot was because I waited 4 hours before I get to see my surgeon☹  

Then... I was hospitalized for 3 days this time round. I thought the days there would be so tough to get by but I met some interns who studies at NP too, I swear they made my days there better, at least it wasn't so bored. 
The most painful thing was this attached on my hand. The needle was longer than the usual and I cant bend my left hand at all.

I was hazel grace for one night (TFIOS)

W came by on the second night with an unexpected lovely sunflower, thank you ᵔ.ᵔ 

I WAS DISCHARGED ON THURSDAY AFTERNOON

But guess what? On Friday afternoon I AM BACK IN THE HOSPITAL ONCE AGAIN 

Why? Because the left side of my operated area bleed. What is this? Taking turns to bleed and make me suffer is it? I was so pessimistic already and this happened again, My blood not free flow one okay I felt like I'm going to pass out soon☹ I went to the A&E this time (another $120 fly) and the same process took place but more tedious work. There was 3 doctors handling me, so it's like a 3 man work. One held the torch, one held the tongue presser and one of the surgeon doctor did the suction. I was SUPPOSED to be warded again but I'm alright so I didn't listen to the doctor advise☹  

I was suppose to go Batam with my whole family yesterday but I can't risk it and there's nothing for me to eat too, so my whole family went without me. Second time missing my family oversea trip *cries*

Now I just really hope my wound faster heal so I can do the stuff I wanna do properly without talking difficulties. Please throat please be good and recover. 

Lengthy post right HAHA okay that's all for my throat! bye! 

Fright

Last night was probably the worst day of the month. I was drinking cold water halfway while I was working when suddenly I felt warm water flowing down my throat. I totally lost my calm and kept drinking cold water afterwards but it never stops. My wound got infected and it's actually bleeding. So technically my throat was bleeding for 15 minutes before it actually stopped. I was panicking and telling my superiors but somehow I got a feeling that they don't trust my words and asked me to get back to work after telling me what I should do. I was so flustered but still went back to work before they decided to let me go off to the hospital. 
Thank god I wasn't alone in all these. W accompanied me despite him being so exhausted from work and stick with me all the way and comforted me. He gave me his jacket too which is really sweet of him. Thank you for accompanying me. Thank you for being there because for once I didn't had to undergo all that alone. It was really scary. 

ps- another big hole in my bank thanks to the a&e admittance fee.
pps - dyed my hair full brown so no more black roots ^_^

Of course he won't say what he did.

Not long ago I met this guy for brunch and halfway through our rants we found out how this guy friend of mine was related to my ex. I really don't have the intention to blog about this but seriously this has been bugging me. I need to get rid of this negative thought. I don't really care if you read this or not.

One of the question this guy asked really shocked me, I wouldn't say what he ask but seriously, who would wash their dirty linens in public? 

I know you're lying and you know you're making up lies so let's not waste each other time.

Who would confess about playing another person's feelings to someone they are interested in? Who would let someone they are interested in know what kind of bad stuff they did to another person? They would come up with plenty of excuses and make the victim look bad when actually it's theirs to begin with. Before they get you, they want to look good, they want you to feel that they are the best, why would they be truthful to you? IF he was truthful about all that he had done and you still chose to stick to him then my dear you're really naive. Everything has two sides of the story, don't just foolishly believe his "goody" parts. 

Been there, done that.

Since you're so bewildered by his flirtatious actions then all I can say is good luck to you, don't say I didn't warn you. He might have made my reputation as something bad and possessive but that's just him and him only. I won't stoop low to his level, that's so below me.

Hide away,

Hello! Day 2 after my surgery, I'm feeling better and my throat is better too. Could have slept longer today but I have medication timing to meet, so forced myself to wake up at 9. Need to drink plenty of water nowadays now that my throat is more dry than ever, 

My mouth kinda tore after the surgery...because they have to use an equipment to keep my mouth open while they cut the tonsils away...AND IT HURTS LIKE SHIT after the anesthesia wears off. My voice is kinda weird too now cause it affected my vocal cords. Cannot wait to recover already. 

See the left side of my mouth :(  

ps - my lips swell A F after the operation.

Need to work and earn alot alot of money now! >:(

Your love's about to make the stars come out.

Nothing beats the feeling of accomplishing list of things you want to do with someone special. Went to Chinatown a few days back and checked out one of the many things we wanted to do. Time with him is short because time flies when you're having fun, (p^-^)p

These salted egg yolk chicken is the best man! 

✿♥‿♥✿

Knowing that I love egg tart, W finally brought me to try the famous egg tart he was crazy about, its damn nice, so different from the common egg tarts sold outside! The place is called Tong Heng, like a tourist attraction, people will purposely stopped by to buy their egg tarts, I'm amazed.

Deciding where to fly to a few weeks back but took selfies instead. HAHA

#vainderniseisvain
#throwbackselfie

BUT YAY, COUNTING DOWN TO BALI TRIPPPP.(๑>ᴗ<๑)|


Tomorrow's finally the day, hope nothing goes wrong during the operation. Feeling nervous, sigh.

Next milestone.

Valentine's day shouldn't be an excuse for guys to treat girls specially good or extra favoring them just for that occasion, when you are with the right guy, everyday feels like valentine's day, and I'm slowly starting to feel it. ♥ 

The first time spending Valentine's day with W and I really enjoyed it. 

Even though I could only meet him at night, he made it extraordinary for me and his gift got me amazed. I thought there wouldn't be any roses but he surprised me in the end, really adorable I cant even. And nope I'm not going to tell you what he did for me but I swear is extra creative and I'm loving it. Simple yet special, thank you. I got him something he least expected but oh well, hope he uses it, which I doubt he will. :(

Now I 'unofficially' graduated from poly, but where to, next?

I've decided. I will work hard for 2 years before I go off.

WHY?

#1 - Braces

#2 - Money

#3 - Him

I cant leave and say bye bye for good when I'm going to fix my teeth, since I have the capability to do something about my teeth, why not? 

Now I'm just going to go all out and find suitable high paying full time job to achieve my goals. Need plenty of sleep to replenish all that I had sacrifice during my FYP period so off I go. 

P.S. - HAPPY GRADUATION {´◕ ◡ ◕｀}

(What I wore on Valentine's day)